Common Ground?

JUST CANNOT SEEM TO FIND COMMON GROUND AND IT’S NOT GETTING ANY BETTER. TRY THIS!

A couple weeks ago,  I talked about ways to think about listening. While intellectual concepts are important, I like the “How To” stuff. This week let’s talk about a technique that can help with conflict and just encourage good old-fashioned communication.

It is called A Walk. I know, I know, right? I just blew your mind. Before you quit reading… stay with me because many of us are weak on communication skills and sometimes just lazy about it. Guys, if you don’t agree, just ask your wife:) The fact is that communication is an area in which we could all grow and I am not just talking about enhancing your 140 character limited twitter skills.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in an argument, you are often face to face? Think about the last argument you had with a significant other, co-worker, or friend. It most likely started face to face or voice to voice. The attitude was similar to a face off in hockey where you both players are fighting for the puck because it is all about winning. That type of communication can often lead to an even worse position, and that is back to back which means you now have both turned away from one another and you are not dealing with anything. The situation will NEVER get better by ignoring it.

Sometimes it’s not that bad though. Maybe you just find your relationship with someone is drifting and feeling a bit distant. Could be kids, significant other, co-workers or people you manage at the office and in any of these scenarios, this technique can help.

Invite someone to take a walk. An amazing thing happens when you cease being face to face and begin to walk in the same direction. It can take the pressure off of the situation and encourage openness on both parties. The whole point is that you are coming alongside someone, not at them. The change of scenery and habits in communication can often bring a sense of refreshment to the communication.

One of the top issues in marriage, business, parenting and just fill in the blank… is communication. Good communication is a learned skill and walking together with someone will help both parties learn positive ways to do it.

Think about those relationships that may be going through a difficult time and while you are walking, remember last weeks blog as you listen.  Have a great day!

Be Encouraged,

Chad

Highly Motivated or Just Out of Control, You Decide.

The sun was just coming up and the light was beginning to glow through the window in our bedroom when it happened…an alarm jerking me out of a semi-dreamy state. My first reaction was to hit the snooze until I realized that I had hit it already. I jumped out of bed thinking I was ready for the day... I know, I know! I am one of those crazy morning people who loves the sunrise.

Well, this morning was a little different. I was tired and had not slept good the night before, but I was still excited. I had a lot going on in my head and already was thinking about all the things I had to do before lunch.

I stumbled to the bathroom, turned the shower on and while the water was getting hot, grabbed my awesome turbo-charged toothbrush that my wife had bought me. This thing will take the enamel off your teeth if you leave it in one place. I grabbed the toothpaste, squirted it on the brush, and fired Mr. Turbo up.  I shoved it into my front teeth and started polishing and that’s when everything went into a confusing blur.

The paste coated my front teeth and there was a metallic explosion in my mouth. I jerked the toothbrush out and in my daze could not figure out what kind of nasty toothpaste my wife had bought.

I looked down and there were two identical tubes on the counter. I picked up the one closest to me and turned it over. To my shock and horror it was Desitin Creme for the babies’ diaper rash. I immediately and furiously started spitting. I washed my mouth out over and over and finally got most of the taste out. When it was over, I stood there in the steamed up bathroom and started laughing.

While it was funny, I walked away from that moment of unorthodox teeth whitening thinking about the fact that I needed to slow down.  The things I wanted to get done were important, but not that important. We all need times that remind us to slow down and enjoy the moments. I awoke that morning highly motivated, but realized that I was a bit out control and needed a little perspective. It is hard to pay attention to the important things in life when you are always going so fast. In the end, I did not like the taste, but I did need the reminder.

You might not have much time, but you do have time to think about what is really important in your life. Checking off all the boxes on my to-do list were not quite as important as they were when I woke up that morning. Sure, I had a funky taste in my mouth for a while, but I left the house with a little more perspective and a little more thankfulness for the blessings in my life, particularly little guy who was the owner of the Desitin Cream.

The High Cost of Not Listening.

There is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing someone means that another person has spoken and their words have entered your ears. That does not mean those words made it to your brain or to your heart. 

Hearing, on the other hand, is not quite so passive. It is active in nature and involves taking what is said, understanding it, and then making a decision on what to do with that information. Here is what is so powerful about taking the time to hear someone. 

First, that person feels valued. The number one reason people leave most jobs is not because of money. It is because they did not feel valued as a person. Secondly, It is wise to listen. All leaders are busy trying to move forward, manage, and figure things out. It is easy to miss details when you are having to keep that eagle-eye view of everything that is going on in your business. That is why it is even more important to create a culture where people feel free to speak, to encourage, and to warn leadership. 

In 2013 the retail company, Target, had an unbelievably huge data breach. You might have been affected by it. I was. 40 million credit cards were stolen. The sad part is that it could have likely been avoided. Employees had warned of the danger a number of times and one analyst, in particular, recommended a thorough review of their payment system. REQUEST DENIED. 

According to a payments.com article in 2015, the combined expenses for the breach in 2013 and 2014 were 162 million dollars. The cost can be high for not listening to those in the trenches. Think about it. The people you lead are dealing with the details of your business. They are there every day looking at things you do not have the time or maybe the expertise to handle. They see things you cannot see. When they have a concern, it is usually a good idea to take time to listen. Target is one example of leadership not listening, but this is not an isolated issue. The same type of thing happened with Wells Fargo, General Motors, General Motors, and the list goes on. 

A wise man once said, "Be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger." The people we lead need strong leaders, but they also need leaders who will listen and understand. It is good for you to listen and good for them to have someone they can trust. Who knows, listening to someone may save your job and keep you from a 162 million dollar mistake. 

Here are a few ideas that might help. 

• Model listening to those in your immediate circle.

• Teach your managers and leaders to listen, evaluate, and act. If they are not sure about what to do, go up the chain. 

• Cultivate a culture of valuing people personally. This is not just giving recognition for a job well done, but valuing the individual. It will develop trust and openness. 

• Make a weekly appointment on your calendar that says, "Ask Questions". Use that time to get the opinion of others. This will help train you to listen. Be careful to not wear your feelings on your shoulders and do not get defensive first. Be quick to hear and slow to speak.

By the way, use this same principle with your family. Really taking time to hear someone could save your marriage and relationships with your children. Remember, the cost of not really hearing someone can be very high.

Four Quick Reminders For Any Start-up.

A couple years ago I left a stable and comfortable position on a large church staff. I resigned for no negative reasons and I still love the congregation and the men and women with whom I served.

So why leave?

For a few years, I had been working on the side with leaders in ministry and business. I would spend time teaching, encouraging and equipping them to be transformative leaders. To be a transformative leader inherently means that you need to be transformed as well. So, it begins with leaders who are willing to be challenged and desire to grow. Watching that type of transformation and being blessed to be a part of it is an amazing journey and one I could not let go. I resigned, took over a non-profit called The Trellis Group and took this new and exciting path leading a non-profit. Oh, yeh... and scary, too. If you will allow, I would like to offer you some lessons I learned and who knows, maybe you will be reminded of some things as well.

1. You had better believe it. If you don't believe in what you are doing, I'm not sure anyone else will either. You have to understand the mission, you have to believe in it, and then you have to live out the mission. Raising funds for an organization will do two things... It will clarify your purpose and the purpose of the organization. Donors will ask what you are doing, why you are doing it, and where you are headed. While this may sound daunting and intimidating these conversations hold you accountable. Most business leaders I work with could use a little organizational accountability. Ask yourself the question, "What am I trying to accomplish in my work?" HINT: Making money is a terrible answer. Income is a result of what you do. You still need to know why you are doing it.

2. Humility is learned. Good leaders believe in themselves and you have to have confidence, but there is a very fine line between confidence and arrogance. I believed in myself and what I felt called to do, but that confidence is going to be questioned when you start down a new path and the hard times come. Getting knocked down hurts. Staying knocked down kills. Nothing like a good dose of failure to teach you that you don't know it all, you don't have it figured out, and you need outside help. Humility allows you to have perspective and see things clearly. Are you teachable? If so, you will seek people who are more skilled, knowledgable, and proficient than you are in different areas. No shortcuts here. Stay humble.

1. Success is earned. Humility opens the door to learning. Learning what to do, what not to do, where to spend your time, and what to cut out. When you start learning you will start growing. How much you grow depends on, what I call, the Rate of Transformation. The more focused and decisive you become in where you want to go, the faster the Rate of Transformation will grow. You have to put the time in and be willing to dig the ditches before you build the walls. Someone told me once, "Work smart, not hard." That is the biggest bunch of bull I have ever heard and it probably came from a lazy guy. How about this axiom, "Work smart and hard" and then go change the world. Are you willing to put the time and work in to make a difference?

2. Be patient with yourself. Anytime you start something new, there is a learning curve. Some curves look more like a wall than a curve. It takes time to get in a groove and feel like you have a handle on what is going on. Here is a statement that I have come to live by, "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable." It takes time and most leaders are not born with too much patience. They have a lot of drive, but little patience. Learn to be patient and trust the growth process. If you get that, you will be a lot further down the road to being patient with others and that is a key quality in raising up other great leaders around you.

I would love to say, "I have figured it all out." But, I haven't. There is always room to grow. While starting something new may be difficult, it's worth it if you believe in what you are doing. So, don't give up so easily and when it gets difficult, talk to someone and allow them to encourage your life.

Chad is the Executive Director of the Trellis Group and their work is to equip motivated leaders to live a life of spiritual health, clarity, and direction. He works with individuals and organizations encouraging and equipping them to craft a clear vision for the future